Being a best man is a tough gig. I've done it twice and I was terrified both times, and that's from someone who has spent over a decade working weddings here in Yorkshire. There's nothing quite like standing up in front of a room full of strangers and trying to be funny and perfectly inoffensive at the same time. It's the hardest job of the day.
I've shot more than 500 weddings, and lately I've seen a run of really rough best man speeches.
The message is rarely the problem. It's the delivery.
Twice this season alone I've watched a speech grind to a halt because the technology gave up. One PowerPoint felt more suited to a corporate banking seminar than a wedding reception. At another wedding, three best men spoke for nearly an hour. Nobody wants an hour of cringy stories.
If you're a best man, or about to be one, I wrote this for you. Here's how to get through it and get to the bar.
And ladies, this isn't only for the lads. Best women, maids of honour, mums and brides giving a speech of their own: every tip here works for you too.
01Keep It Short (But Not Too Short)
How long should a best man speech be? The sweet spot for a speech is between five and ten minutes. Any longer and you'll lose the room. Don't go too short either. If you've been given the honour of being best man, you should be able to waffle about your mate, light-heartedly, for at least five minutes. Practise it out loud at least once and time it. It always runs longer spoken than it does in your head.
02Ditch the Tech
Please don't rely on laptops, screens or projectors. It isn't the venue's job to provide IT support or to make sure your adapter fits. What's more cringy than a joke falling flat? Standing in silence for five minutes, fumbling with a laptop, while the guests stare at you. If you really want visual aids, print them. People can pass them round the tables while you talk. Paper never crashes.
03Read the Room
Crude jokes are fine, but remember who's listening. There are grandparents and parents in that room, and often young children. I've seen too many best men start effing and jeffing in front of toddlers. Keep it classy. Play to the whole room, not just the groomsmen's table.
04Tick the Essential Boxes
In the middle of the roasting, don't forget the etiquette. You must say how gorgeous the bride looks and how amazing the bridesmaids are. It's tradition for a reason.
05End on a High
If you've spent five minutes ribbing your best mate, you have to bring it back round. End the speech by telling the room why this guy is so special to you, and why the two of them are perfectly suited. Then ask everyone to stand, raise your glass and toast the couple. That's your cue to sit down.
06One From Behind the Camera
You'll be photographed all the way through, so here's a small favour from me. Lift your eyes off the paper when the punchline lands, then pause for the laugh. That pause is when the groom cracks up, and that's the photo the couple keep. Read the whole thing head-down and all anyone gets is the top of your head. If there's a microphone, hold it at your chin, not over your mouth.
07Enjoy the Relief
Take the job seriously, but have fun with it. Nobody is expecting a flawless stand-up comedian. Being asked is a privilege: it means the groom rates you as a friend. Deliver the speech, soak up the applause, and then comes the best bit. The relief is incredible, and you can finally get to the bar.
Do your best man, and anyone else on the microphone, a massive favour: schedule the wedding speeches before the wedding breakfast. Tradition put the speeches after the meal, but more and more of my couples get them done first. Your speakers get the nerves out of the way, and then they can sit back and enjoy the food you've laid on for them.